Shell protection.
Wrap every endpoint in a hardened layer of optimistic thinking. If it has a shell, it's probably secure.
Crack it open ↗NEXT-GEN. AI-POWERED. COMPLETELY NUTS.
WE STOP
AT NOTHING.
Mostly because
we do nothing.
Meet NutGuard™. The world's first enterprise security platform powered by artificial confidence and a deeply suspicious squirrel.
No agents. No credit card. No actual protection.
NUTGUARD / LIVE SIMULATION
THREAT DETECTEDUnattended trail mixSEVERITY: CRUNCHY
PERIMETER STATUSShell yeah. ●
FIG. 01 — THE SINGLE PANE OF PANIC + + +
BIG NUMBERS.
SMALL PRINT.
99.9%
confidence. Not uptime.
0ms
spent reading the documentation.
24/7
someone is probably on lunch.
Fictional metrics. Real commitment to making them look impressive.
ONE PLATFORM. SEVERAL BUZZWORDS.
Everything you need.
Except actual security.
Consolidate your anxiety into a single dashboard. Our squirrel-native architecture turns complex threats into simpler, equally concerning threats.
Artificial instinct.
Our proprietary AI asks “have you tried turning it off?” at a scale previously unimaginable.
Meet the intelligence ↗Zero-trust. All vibes.
We trust no one. Not the users. Not the network. Definitely not the intern with production access.
Question everything ↗LESS SLIDE DECK. MORE SHELL SHOCK.
A live demo.
Of absolutely
nothing real.
Watch NutGuard hunt fictional threats in a fictional environment. It's just animation in your browser. Your device is never scanned.
Standing by. Menacingly.
00ACTUAL THREATS SCANNED
Always zero. This is a joke.
Always zero. This is a joke.
SYS Squirrel successfully caffeinated.
SYS Enterprise buzzwords loaded.
SYS Awaiting an unnecessarily dramatic button click.
FROM THE NUTELLIGENCE LAB
The threat landscape.
Now with more squirrels.
Original satire from researchers who have definitely opened a terminal at least once.
FICTIONAL FIELD REPORT / 001
The call is coming from inside the snack drawer.
Our imaginary researchers uncover a sophisticated supply-chain attack. Someone replaced all the cashews with raisins.
OPINION / 4 BUZZWORDS PER MINUTE
Is your AI agent just three squirrels in a trench coat?
BEST PRACTICES / QUESTIONABLE ADVICE
Zero trust starts with the office printer.
TRANSPARENT PRICING. OPAQUE VALUE.
Pick your level of confidence.
Imaginary plans. No purchases, subscriptions, or sales calls.
NUTGUARD BASIC
Peanuts.
$0 / forever fictional
- One reassuring dashboard
- Unlimited thoughts and prayers
- Bring your own squirrel
MOST UNNECESSARY
NUTGUARD PRO
Totally nuts.
$0 / still not a product
- Everything in Basic, but louder
- AI-generated reassurance
- Priority imaginary support
NUTGUARD ENTERPRISE
The whole bag.
Let's talk. Actually, let's not.
- A dedicated account squirrel
- Board-ready pie charts
- A PDF that says “enterprise”
THE FUTURE OF SECURITY IS QUESTIONABLE.